Relationship Killers and How to Avoid Them

As someone who has helped many others in relationships, I am constantly being asked why so many relationships fail. In the many years that I have worked with couples, I have discovered five major relationship killers:

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR

Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two major categories – overt control and covert control.

Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.

Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.

Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.

RESISTANCE

Many people enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled – of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance – withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.

When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant – which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled - the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.

NEEDINESS

Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need. Try to start your relationship as a friendship first.

SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS

Most people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their aloneness and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending, gambling, busyness, Internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And they are all ways of shutting out your partner.

EYES ON PARTNER'S PLATE

Many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behavior. You might be very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of your own compliance. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive behavior, but very unaware of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner changed, everything would be okay.

RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS

All relationship killers come from fear – of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.

The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You will move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior only when you learn how to fill your self with love and define your own inner worth. When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner’s plate and turn your eyes fully on yourself, you can begin to do the inner healing work necessary to heal yourself and your relationship.

A good place to start is to download our free Inner Bonding course and begin to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. The daily practice of these steps will move you out of your addictive and controlling behavior and into the personal responsibility necessary to heal your relationship.

"You are destroying US with YOUR suspicions"

To date I have enlightened the world with my thoughts on jealousy and self-esteem. I want to clear up any misunderstandings which will have some male people pondering that I am focusing on solely girls here. Jealousy and self-esteem issues also can be in men as well as women. Nobody is excused from actual human emotions. Emotions know no face, shade, dimension or gender. There are two victims right here, not simply one.

  I additionally really feel that I've neglected to reveal how the opposite sex involved in a relationship that suffers from jealousy or self-esteem issues also suffers.

 A relationship is a partnership. It's a dedication made between two people, in that we will stand by each other weather thick or thin. Unfortunately, when it's a jealousy subject, both are effected. We are likely to give attention to the person who is trapped in the prison of worry, more than the opposite particular person that's caught in the line of fire, partly as a result of we need to free to collect ourselves first, then we may help heal the other.

Properly I'm now going to share that individuals prison of hell as well.

  To be accused and mistrusted by the one you love is a hardship and a definite pain that one can not bear for an extended time. They finally both stroll away or take a stand and name out to you, (the attacker) to please stop; to please take note to what you're saying and accusing them of.

 Time after time they fight so onerous to reassure you that they do love you and that they don't seem to be interested nor lusting for anybody else. Once they attempt to tell you that it's all in your thoughts, they risk getting attacked more for defense. It is no doubt a vicious circle. They turn paranoid that no matter the stance they take, you are already satisfied that they have betrayed you in some way. They watch for the other shoe to drop. Some times it takes a few days, and on some occasions it drops immediately. By no means the lesser they've to sit by and fear about when it will drop. They worry that this time they won't be able to say the suitable thing. They fear we will get much more depressed and irrational with what they are saying to us. They start to feel, "damned if they do, and damned if they don`t". I personally hate that feeling. For someone to assume that they actually would put someone else in that position, makes me feel like running away quicker than Forrest Gump.

 The neglect you put on that particular person by your jealous insecurities is as actual to them as your feelings of being trapped in your jail of doubt. There are lots of scenarios as to why jealousy rises up inside people, but for the innocent ones that actually don't ever do anything  to set off that concern inside you, they are the innocent victims. Some folks have come to the point of figuring out their issues and have began to deal with them, please bear in mind the other individual that's there with you. They too need particular consideration, as a result they have shared your fears and your pain. In a much different means, by no means the less, they still ache. Jealousy can destroy so many good issues in ones lives. It might destroy our mate, through you, it kills the one factor that you simply love the most. The worst part about it is, that you allow it. You need to stop. Would you take a gun and shoot your mate? NOT!! So then why are you allowing this emotion to torture what's so expensive to you? I repeat, as long as your mate just isn't responsible for your fears or if they've made amends and are attempting to make issues better, then please understand their pain of being mistrusted. Once they see you in hurt and they're being convinced it is because of them, they crumble. Your mate loves you as you love them, and to really feel they're responsible for your trapped feelings eats them up inside. To see you smile and really feel completely beloved makes them be ok with themselves in that they're accountable for that smile. That could be a good feeling all the best way around.

 Also watch out not to fall into that habit of being unhappy through jealous feelings. Recognize the place they are coming from. Are you using them as a purpose to get attention? Once more, the wrong sort of attention. Should you not be getting the proper consideration you feel you're missing, then discuss this with your partner. Do not let jealous feelings take over and confuse what you actually are trying to say.  Any weak point in your mind is a direct route for unfavourable and empty emotions to journey through. As soon as they get there, they work in short time to bring you down. So concentrate on what precisely you are feeling.

 I hope that I've at the least opened up some thoughts in your minds as to what else is occurring in a relationship that is plagued by jealousy. Either side is equally being torchered and killed. We need not forget to LIVE, LOVE & LAUGH with all of those special people in our life. Oh yeah, and let’s not forget my favorite part of all ...HUG!!!!

"What Does Love Mean?" See How 4-9 Year-Old Kids Describe Love

"What Does Love Imply?" See How 4-9 Yr-old Kids Describe Love

A gaggle of professional folks posed this question to a bunch of 4 to 9 year olds: "What does love mean?"

The answers they were given had been broader and deeper than somebody will have imagined. See what you think...

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"When my grandmother got arthritis, she could not bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her always, even if his arms were given arthritis too. That's love."

Beccy -  age 4

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"When any individual loves you, the approach in which they are saying your name is different. You just recognize that your name is protected of their mouth."

Billy - age 9

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"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

Terri  - age 5

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"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to verify the style is OK."

Danny - age 7

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"Love is when you kiss all of the time. Then you change into more passionate kissing, you proceed to want to be together and you communicate more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross after they kiss."

Emily - age 5

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"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas in the occasion you begin changing presents and other gifts."

Bo - age 9  (Wow!)

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"If you want to learn how to love higher, you must start with a friend who you hate."

Donna - age 6

(we need a couple of million more Nikka's on the earth)

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"Love is when you inform a guy you favor his clothes, then he wears them everyday."

Nelly - age 7

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"Love is like a little old girl and slightly old man who are still buddies even when they recognize many differences as well."

Tommy - age 6

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"During my piano recital, I used to be on a stage and I was scared. I checked out all the people gazing me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He used to be the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

Cindy - age 8

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"Love is while Mommy provides Daddy the most delicious piece of chicken."

Elaine - age 5

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"Love is while Mommy sees Daddy pungent and sweaty and still says he's more handsomer than Robert Redford."

Chris - age 7

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"Love is when your pet licks your face even when you left him by myself all day."

Ann - age four

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"I know my older sister loves me as a consequence she provides me all her vintage clothes and has to head out and buy new ones." (Now THIS is love!)

Lauri - age 4

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"When you love an individual, your eyelashes cross up and down and little stars come out of you." (what a picture!)

Karen - age 9

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"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't assume it's gross."

Bob - age 7

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"You actually won't say 'I actually like you' until you mean it. However in case you imply it, you must say it a lot. People forget."

Tess - age 9

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And the overall one...

Creator and lecturer Dell Douglas once talked about a contest he was once requested to judge. The purpose of the competition was once to seek out probably the most concerned child.

The winner was a four yr old kid whose neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had just lately lossed his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and simply sat there.

While his Mom requested what he had stated to the neighbor, the little boy said,

"Not anything, I just helped him cry."

I guess even when it come to the affairs of the heart, kids will say the darndest things.